"You know, I said she wasn't special, she said I should have died instead of Ben. It's water under the bridge." He waves his hand, as if it isn't something that haunts him. How different would they be, if Ben had survived and he hadn't? If Ben had kept the team together, if Ben had survived- Leonard wouldn't have gotten the book, right? All this bullshit might not have happened?

But he quiets at that confession. After he reenters and puts the kettle on to boil. Crossing his arms and leaning against the doorway of the bathroom. He'd listened to the police scanner for him? How many times had he caught it? An EMT calling about a John Doe with no ID but a tattoo on his wrist, unresponsive in the back of an ambulance. Or when he'd ended up in a drunk tank? Arrested?

"... I didn't..."