[There was the question he had been waiting for. Since coming here, he had been asking himself the same question. In the First Order, there was no room for regret or remorse. He would not have survived if he let himself think about it and doubt himself then.
But he was away from the First Order now. Anakin had planted seeds of doubt in his mind where they had taken hold. Did he have to do that? He wouldn't have been able to stop the Supreme Leader, his life would have been forfeit for treasons against Snoke and the First Order, but he had a choice. Maybe he couldn't have stopped it but he wouldn't have been one to give the order.
He nearly reached out for Klaus's hand but he saw the expression on Klaus's face and put his hands in his lap.]
At the time I was optimistic I ended the war. I regretted that the scale of the destruction, the Hosnian planets suffered for the crimes of the Republic. When the Supreme Leader ordered for the weapon to be used again, I tried to refuse. It wasn't something that I wanted to use lightly.
[He took a deep breath as he continued.]
Being here, however- I'm not in the First Order for the first time in my life. I never thought about what I did before I came here but since then I've been wondering if I really ended the war, if it was necessary in order to bring peace to the galaxy. If it was worth the cost. I don't think it was.
[He looked away then, looking out the window for a few moments before gathering his thoughts. He couldn't believe he was going to say this but- he looked back at Klaus when he spoke again.]
I wouldn't do it again, I know that for certain.
[It was the truth. Perhaps the war would have dragged on without using it but he was starting to understand that they paid a high price and not even have ended the war as intended.]
[ Klaus sees that twitch of his hands, and his heart almost wrenches in two. He's torn- so torn- because he's seen underneath the armor. He's seen the different person that Hux could be here.
But how much regret, how much work, how much atonement could one do to make up for thousands, millions, billions of innocent lives- erased from the galaxy?
His hands stay firm. Curled into his knees. And he exhales slowly. ]
... Alright.
[ He stands. Wanting to pace and wanting a smoke and wanting a drink or something stronger to steady the swirling in his head. ]
Alright, thanks for telling me this.
[ He can't look at him. Not now. Not while the question is still on his mind. ]
... I need some time. To process this.
[ Vanya had destroyed the world, and each and every one of the siblings had that blood on their hands. Each and every one of them- except Ben, perhaps- responsible in a way for contributing to her collpase, and the firey apocalypse that had been brought down on their heads.
They hadn't intended for it. It wasn't a press of a button at the behest of someone else's orders. It wasn't an act of war. But it was still blood on their hands.
They had a chance to fix it. But Hux didn't. Was his regret enough? Was there any way he could atone for this? To be the person Klaus had seen in those glimpses, under the armor, away from this nightmare called the First Order? ]
[Hux stayed where he was as Klaus stood up. Ren leaving him had heart but nothing like watching Klaus pull away from him like this, not looking at him.
But he knew it would happen. It would have happened eventually. Maybe this was his punishment- he had found something, someone who made him feel human, who believed the best of him only for it to fall apart because of what he had done in the past.
He nodded, taking a deep breath once more. He wasn't going to fall apart, at least not in front of Klaus.]
Alright.
[While Klaus hadn't called him a monster, Hux had seen the expression in his face and now Klaus was refusing to look at him. He fully expected that this would be the last time that he would see him again. He couldn't ask Klaus to stay so he stayed where he was, with his hands clenched in his lap firmly.]
Take your time.
[His voice was quiet but he looked away again, not wanting to see Klaus's expression as he left.]
[ Klaus looks up one last time, and he wants to promise him that it'll be okay. That he'll be back. That this man- this man who's been so good to him, who's helped him stay clean, who's held his hand when the nightmares were bad- was worth his time and attention and affection.
But Five planets. Fifteen billion people.
Did Oppenheimer regret the atomic bomb? Did he regret how many people it killed? What had he done to try and scrub the blood off his hands?
What had Hux done? ]
... I'll, uh. Give you a call. Soon.
[ He awkwardly clears his throat, and shoves his hands in his pockets. Heading out the door without another word. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
But he was away from the First Order now. Anakin had planted seeds of doubt in his mind where they had taken hold. Did he have to do that? He wouldn't have been able to stop the Supreme Leader, his life would have been forfeit for treasons against Snoke and the First Order, but he had a choice. Maybe he couldn't have stopped it but he wouldn't have been one to give the order.
He nearly reached out for Klaus's hand but he saw the expression on Klaus's face and put his hands in his lap.]
At the time I was optimistic I ended the war. I regretted that the scale of the destruction, the Hosnian planets suffered for the crimes of the Republic. When the Supreme Leader ordered for the weapon to be used again, I tried to refuse. It wasn't something that I wanted to use lightly.
[He took a deep breath as he continued.]
Being here, however- I'm not in the First Order for the first time in my life. I never thought about what I did before I came here but since then I've been wondering if I really ended the war, if it was necessary in order to bring peace to the galaxy. If it was worth the cost. I don't think it was.
[He looked away then, looking out the window for a few moments before gathering his thoughts. He couldn't believe he was going to say this but- he looked back at Klaus when he spoke again.]
I wouldn't do it again, I know that for certain.
[It was the truth. Perhaps the war would have dragged on without using it but he was starting to understand that they paid a high price and not even have ended the war as intended.]
no subject
But how much regret, how much work, how much atonement could one do to make up for thousands, millions, billions of innocent lives- erased from the galaxy?
His hands stay firm. Curled into his knees. And he exhales slowly. ]
... Alright.
[ He stands. Wanting to pace and wanting a smoke and wanting a drink or something stronger to steady the swirling in his head. ]
Alright, thanks for telling me this.
[ He can't look at him. Not now. Not while the question is still on his mind. ]
... I need some time. To process this.
[ Vanya had destroyed the world, and each and every one of the siblings had that blood on their hands. Each and every one of them- except Ben, perhaps- responsible in a way for contributing to her collpase, and the firey apocalypse that had been brought down on their heads.
They hadn't intended for it. It wasn't a press of a button at the behest of someone else's orders. It wasn't an act of war. But it was still blood on their hands.
They had a chance to fix it. But Hux didn't.
Was his regret enough?
Was there any way he could atone for this?
To be the person Klaus had seen in those glimpses, under the armor, away from this nightmare called the First Order? ]
... Just. Give me a few days.
no subject
But he knew it would happen. It would have happened eventually. Maybe this was his punishment- he had found something, someone who made him feel human, who believed the best of him only for it to fall apart because of what he had done in the past.
He nodded, taking a deep breath once more. He wasn't going to fall apart, at least not in front of Klaus.]
Alright.
[While Klaus hadn't called him a monster, Hux had seen the expression in his face and now Klaus was refusing to look at him. He fully expected that this would be the last time that he would see him again. He couldn't ask Klaus to stay so he stayed where he was, with his hands clenched in his lap firmly.]
Take your time.
[His voice was quiet but he looked away again, not wanting to see Klaus's expression as he left.]
no subject
But Five planets. Fifteen billion people.
Did Oppenheimer regret the atomic bomb? Did he regret how many people it killed?
What had he done to try and scrub the blood off his hands?
What had Hux done? ]
... I'll, uh. Give you a call. Soon.
[ He awkwardly clears his throat, and shoves his hands in his pockets. Heading out the door without another word. ]