[Hux had never felt anything like this before. Everyone knew what he did back home but he was confused why he was worried about Klaus's reaction. He felt something, something that made him that want to be honest with Klaus before he found out from someone else.
He tried to smile when he answered the door but there was a pit in the bottom of his stomach. Was he ashamed? He had never felt regret before but he didn't feel like boasting about his accomplishment today. He wasn't sure what this emotion was but it didn't feel good.]
Come in, please.
[He moved to sit down on the couch, waiting for Klaus to join him but didn't reach out for him as he normally did.]
There is something I wanted to tell you. About me. About something I did back in my home galaxy.
[ Hux almost looks grim when he opens the door, and Klaus can't help the frown that crosses his face. His fingertips reach out, gently cupping Hux's cheek as he steps inside. ]
Hey, what's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost or something.
[ He would know.
But honestly, the mention of Hux's home galaxy has him nodding slowly, and he takes his hand. ]
... And here I thought you were going to complain about my family! [ A smile, trying to brighten the conversation. ]
[Hux leaned into the touch without thinking about it but he gave only a weak smile for a moment before it faded.]
I should give a little background first. I mentioned the New Republic- what you called the cops.
[He took a deep breath, steadying himself. He wanted to reach for Klaus but he found himself not wanting to feel Klaus recoiling.]
The New Republic ruled for thirty years. Untold horror...it was a nightmare. What was left of the Empire got driven into exile. There was a peace treaty but they broke it by sending terrorists to attack.
[He was being honest, he would tell him everything without holding back.]
The galaxy had barely survived the last two wars, a third....a third galactic war would have been horrific.
[He fell silent then, looking at Klaus. When he spoke again, his voice had none of the usual confidence. Was this regret? Was this what Anakin had been talking about?]
[ Klaus is quiet as he listens to the story of this galaxy far far away. This New Republic and this Empire, and how a peace treaty was broken. Two wars that tore apart the world.
There's a small part of him that knows that this is just one side. That there is- almost always- another. But it's important to Hux- this is the truth as he sees it, and he holds that hope that the next words that are coming from his mouth are something he is prepared for.
He doubts it. The small whispers, like anxiety, rising in the back of his head no matter how much he tries to block Hux out. Blame it on contact or proximity, but as he holds Hux's hand, he gives it a sympathetic squeeze. ]
[Hux squeezed Klaus's hand before pulling away. Normally, he had no trouble talking about this but Klaus was different. He looked at him differently. Saw him differently. With Klaus, he wasn't a general, he didn't have to be what the First Order had made him into.
It was the first time that he was figuring out what that meant for him.]
There was a superweapon. Starkiller. It was the size of a planet a bit larger than Earth. It drained the power of the nearby star for fuel.
[He took a deep breath as he looked at Klaus. This was the first time that he actually didn't feel good about what he did which confused him.]
I was the one who gave the order to fire it on the Hosnian System, where the New Republic was. It destroyed all five planets of the system.
[ It's strangely lucid, how the words fall out of his mouth, how one little sentence can change so much about a person. He stares as he hears the words again, again, echoing in his mind. That there was a weapon that drained all the power of a nearby star. That he fired it. That it destroyed...
It destroyed five whole worlds.
On his order.
It's like an ocean in his ears, how the blood seems to rise and rush, how everything suddenly seems so out of contrast as he tries to put this man- who had been gentle with him when the nightmares came, who had left him without questions and had let him speak of his problems on his own- onto the face of someone who could destroy five planets.
Vanya.
She's the first that comes to mind, and he stands, pulling back, away, turning so he can pace. Exhaling slowly because he feels like he's going to be sick from the racing of his thoughts.
Vanya had destroyed one. In two timelines, but still one planet. Accidentally. Maybe purposefully the first time around- no one knew. But his tiny, timid sister had brought all the fire and fury of the apocalypse raining on their heads.
She had been pushed into it. Driven to it by powers she didn't understand. That she was scared of. And he hadn't helped. He'd stood there and watched as she was trapped, left her alone and isolated because he was scared of his own abilities, couldn't argue with Luther, was trying to figure out what he needed to do with Ben-
But Hux wasn't Vanya. And from the sound of things, this hadn't been an accident.]
You-
[ His words rise and fall and die in his throat, and he keeps pacing as he tries to get them organized. ]
[He forced himself to keep looking at Klaus. He was confused about why he felt something twisting at his gut. He had a feeling that he had destroyed something that was good for him but there was no going back. Klaus would have found out eventually and Hux wanted to be the one to tell him.]
I won't-
[He stopped, trying to find the words he wanted to say. Klaus hadn't run out of the room but he might have destroyed things with the one person who made him feel better than anyone else had.
It didn't hurt when others called him a monster, the destroyer of worlds. Here he was compared to Satan, told that he was evil incarnate. But it would be different if it came from Klaus.]
I won't stop you if you want to leave.
[He finally found his voice but his words were quiet as he finally looked away. The ball at the pit of his stomach felt like lead and he was struggling with emotions he didn't know what to do with.]
He's seen beyond the armor, the little gaps and chinks of whatever person he had been in his homeworld to the human center underneath. And maybe- maybe he thought what he was doing was good. Certainly, the Academy had killed few to save many. It wasn't as if their hands were bloodless.
But five worlds. Five whole planets. The population of the earth, times Five.
He shakes his head. Opens his mouth to say something, closes it, and then immediately crosses to pour himself a drink. He downs it as easily as if it's water, and pours himself another. Pours Hux one, too, because he just...
Shellshocked. That's the expression for how he feels. A similar numbness to when Dave had died without the grief and anger to flood in after. Just the revelation that he needs to sit with, to think over. ]
I... Jesus, Armitage.
[ He sits down next to him again. Far enough away so they aren't touching. Close enough that he can look at him. ]
... Five. Five whole planets. And you- And it wasn't-?
[Hux was taken aback when Klaus used his first name, silently taking the drink that was offered to him. He had expected to be called a monster- he wasn't a good person and he wouldn't pretend otherwise.
But his gut was twisted in a way that was entirely new for him. He could only take a small sip of the drink before setting it down on the coffee table. HIs stomach was in a knot that wasn't going anywhere. He didn't feel like himself, he had never been so focused on what someone else thought of him before.
Here he was worried about Klaus's reaction, however. He never thought that he would find himself in a position like this. He had given the order with confidence and had been secure in the decision he had made....at least until now. Now he was sitting here without that confidence and conviction.]
[ He wasn't a good person. Klaus was under no illusion there. He was a coward, a failure, covering his weaknesses with drugs and alcohol and running away from all his problems. And Hux- well, Hux was new. And unknown.
He thought he was a good man. The gentleness he had seen in their private moments, the quiet concern from that night they had shared dreams- and he had known that there was blood on Hux's hands, too. That he had murdered his own father. That the world and the universe that he grew up in meant that leaving wasn't an option.
But he hadn't simply stayed. He'd become the very weapon his father wanted after all.
And Five whole worlds paid the price. ]
It wasn't- There wasn't room for negotiation? Like, hey, we have this big 'fuck off' weapon and if you attack us we'll use it?
Did you even warn them? Give them time to answer, evacuate-?
[ He's back to pacing, trying to wrap his head around this. Five. Planets.. ]
They had already broken the peace treaty. They employed terrorists to threaten our area of space- the decision was made not to negotiate because they couldn't be trusted to uphold another treaty.
[He hadn't made that decision entirely by himself but he had advocated for the weapon to be used. He thought that it was the best way to end a war that could have ripped the galaxy apart again for years.
And he truly believed that now, with the Republic gone and the Resistance all but wiped out, that they could start restoring peace and stability to the galaxy. He watched Klaus, his eyes following him.]
[ He can't help but stare as he slowly sinks into a chair across from Hux. He feels like a nuclear bomb has gone off under his feet. Like the man across from him is a stranger. Shellshocked, he sips an empty glass, shakes his head, and puts it aside.
Slowly, he drags his hands down his face. Stares into a spot in the floor between his feet as he tries to understand just what to say. Just how to react.
Five planets. Destroyed without warning. Without mercy.
If Hux is telling the truth, it could have prevented more war. More deaths on the front lines. And he certainly knew enough of war, had seen enough death to know that what it was like to want to avoid it. But at the same time-
He pictures Vanya. Tiny, timid Vanya. Her eyes glowing white, her suit, her violin like the purest light. Raising each note like a crescendo, until a gunshot had pierced the air and it all went to hell. The moon falling to pieces.
There had been no warning. And they were all to blame.
But it had been- They had a second chance. A way to turn back the clock, thanks to Five. To make sure it didn't happen again. The guilt, the anguish, the anger over it was still something to process. Did Hux have that?
Was Hux sorry for what he'd done? ]
... You didn't even try? To prevent what happened?
[ They had tried. They had failed, miserably. They had let Vanya down. And the world had paid the price. ]
[Hux was quiet as he thought about the decisions that had been made. He held the rank of general but he answered only to Supreme Leader Snoke. He refused to answer to Kylo Ren, even now, but that was another matter entirely. The decision hadn't been entirely been his. There had been a lot of debate, arguing, and then a final decision by the Supreme Leader to use the weapon.]
We were fighting the terrorists every day, I lost many troopers and ships. I-
[He paused for a moment as he turned over the thoughts in his head. Would he make the same decision now, after years here? Anakin had planted seeds of doubt in him, and it had been turning over in his mind since then. Could he have been the one to put a stop to it? Doubtful, Snoke did what he wanted to. Snoke had been the one who had decided to use it a second time when Hux had raised objections.]
I hate that the decision was made, Klaus. I would have preferred not to destroy those planets.
[Which was true. If the New Republic hadn't been such a rot upon the galaxy, the planets would have been spared. Contrary to popular belief, he wasn't the type to go around destroying planets for no reason. He hadn't supported the idea of destroying the system where the Resistance base was. Starkiller was not a weapon to be used constantly.]
I did attempt to stop the weapon being used a second time. The Supreme Leader overrode my objections but the rebels destroyed Starkiller before it fired for a second time.
[ Blood was on his own hands. Maybe not as much as his siblings, and certainly not as much as on Hux's, but he knows the principle. Sacrifice one, save many. Hux... Hux wanted to stop a war before it started. But he'd done so in a way that's horrifying.
Civilians. Whole planets wiped out.
Gone.
He slowly sinks back into the sofa, staring at Hux as if he's looking at a stranger, because he is. He can't fathom this. The man who he'd stolen gentle kisses with, who had made him smile, who had given him space and comfort when he needed to mourn. The man who seemed so... cold, yes, when his armor was on. Perhaps intimidating. But not.
Not wipe out planets with the touch of a button. ]
[There was the question he had been waiting for. Since coming here, he had been asking himself the same question. In the First Order, there was no room for regret or remorse. He would not have survived if he let himself think about it and doubt himself then.
But he was away from the First Order now. Anakin had planted seeds of doubt in his mind where they had taken hold. Did he have to do that? He wouldn't have been able to stop the Supreme Leader, his life would have been forfeit for treasons against Snoke and the First Order, but he had a choice. Maybe he couldn't have stopped it but he wouldn't have been one to give the order.
He nearly reached out for Klaus's hand but he saw the expression on Klaus's face and put his hands in his lap.]
At the time I was optimistic I ended the war. I regretted that the scale of the destruction, the Hosnian planets suffered for the crimes of the Republic. When the Supreme Leader ordered for the weapon to be used again, I tried to refuse. It wasn't something that I wanted to use lightly.
[He took a deep breath as he continued.]
Being here, however- I'm not in the First Order for the first time in my life. I never thought about what I did before I came here but since then I've been wondering if I really ended the war, if it was necessary in order to bring peace to the galaxy. If it was worth the cost. I don't think it was.
[He looked away then, looking out the window for a few moments before gathering his thoughts. He couldn't believe he was going to say this but- he looked back at Klaus when he spoke again.]
I wouldn't do it again, I know that for certain.
[It was the truth. Perhaps the war would have dragged on without using it but he was starting to understand that they paid a high price and not even have ended the war as intended.]
[ Klaus sees that twitch of his hands, and his heart almost wrenches in two. He's torn- so torn- because he's seen underneath the armor. He's seen the different person that Hux could be here.
But how much regret, how much work, how much atonement could one do to make up for thousands, millions, billions of innocent lives- erased from the galaxy?
His hands stay firm. Curled into his knees. And he exhales slowly. ]
... Alright.
[ He stands. Wanting to pace and wanting a smoke and wanting a drink or something stronger to steady the swirling in his head. ]
Alright, thanks for telling me this.
[ He can't look at him. Not now. Not while the question is still on his mind. ]
... I need some time. To process this.
[ Vanya had destroyed the world, and each and every one of the siblings had that blood on their hands. Each and every one of them- except Ben, perhaps- responsible in a way for contributing to her collpase, and the firey apocalypse that had been brought down on their heads.
They hadn't intended for it. It wasn't a press of a button at the behest of someone else's orders. It wasn't an act of war. But it was still blood on their hands.
They had a chance to fix it. But Hux didn't. Was his regret enough? Was there any way he could atone for this? To be the person Klaus had seen in those glimpses, under the armor, away from this nightmare called the First Order? ]
[Hux stayed where he was as Klaus stood up. Ren leaving him had heart but nothing like watching Klaus pull away from him like this, not looking at him.
But he knew it would happen. It would have happened eventually. Maybe this was his punishment- he had found something, someone who made him feel human, who believed the best of him only for it to fall apart because of what he had done in the past.
He nodded, taking a deep breath once more. He wasn't going to fall apart, at least not in front of Klaus.]
Alright.
[While Klaus hadn't called him a monster, Hux had seen the expression in his face and now Klaus was refusing to look at him. He fully expected that this would be the last time that he would see him again. He couldn't ask Klaus to stay so he stayed where he was, with his hands clenched in his lap firmly.]
Take your time.
[His voice was quiet but he looked away again, not wanting to see Klaus's expression as he left.]
[ Klaus looks up one last time, and he wants to promise him that it'll be okay. That he'll be back. That this man- this man who's been so good to him, who's helped him stay clean, who's held his hand when the nightmares were bad- was worth his time and attention and affection.
But Five planets. Fifteen billion people.
Did Oppenheimer regret the atomic bomb? Did he regret how many people it killed? What had he done to try and scrub the blood off his hands?
What had Hux done? ]
... I'll, uh. Give you a call. Soon.
[ He awkwardly clears his throat, and shoves his hands in his pockets. Heading out the door without another word. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text;=> action;
He types out the message and grabs his coat. His session at the art studio is over, and it's not too far away from the porter.
It'll take him about half an hour, but he'll be knocking on Hux's door.
action;
He tried to smile when he answered the door but there was a pit in the bottom of his stomach. Was he ashamed? He had never felt regret before but he didn't feel like boasting about his accomplishment today. He wasn't sure what this emotion was but it didn't feel good.]
Come in, please.
[He moved to sit down on the couch, waiting for Klaus to join him but didn't reach out for him as he normally did.]
There is something I wanted to tell you. About me. About something I did back in my home galaxy.
perma-action;
Hey, what's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost or something.
[ He would know.
But honestly, the mention of Hux's home galaxy has him nodding slowly, and he takes his hand. ]
... And here I thought you were going to complain about my family!
[ A smile, trying to brighten the conversation. ]
Alright, let's sit down.
Re: perma-action;
I should give a little background first. I mentioned the New Republic- what you called the cops.
[He took a deep breath, steadying himself. He wanted to reach for Klaus but he found himself not wanting to feel Klaus recoiling.]
The New Republic ruled for thirty years. Untold horror...it was a nightmare. What was left of the Empire got driven into exile. There was a peace treaty but they broke it by sending terrorists to attack.
[He was being honest, he would tell him everything without holding back.]
The galaxy had barely survived the last two wars, a third....a third galactic war would have been horrific.
[He fell silent then, looking at Klaus. When he spoke again, his voice had none of the usual confidence. Was this regret? Was this what Anakin had been talking about?]
I had to do something.
no subject
There's a small part of him that knows that this is just one side. That there is- almost always- another. But it's important to Hux- this is the truth as he sees it, and he holds that hope that the next words that are coming from his mouth are something he is prepared for.
He doubts it. The small whispers, like anxiety, rising in the back of his head no matter how much he tries to block Hux out. Blame it on contact or proximity, but as he holds Hux's hand, he gives it a sympathetic squeeze. ]
... So what did you do?
no subject
It was the first time that he was figuring out what that meant for him.]
There was a superweapon. Starkiller. It was the size of a planet a bit larger than Earth. It drained the power of the nearby star for fuel.
[He took a deep breath as he looked at Klaus. This was the first time that he actually didn't feel good about what he did which confused him.]
I was the one who gave the order to fire it on the Hosnian System, where the New Republic was. It destroyed all five planets of the system.
no subject
It destroyed five whole worlds.
On his order.
It's like an ocean in his ears, how the blood seems to rise and rush, how everything suddenly seems so out of contrast as he tries to put this man- who had been gentle with him when the nightmares came, who had left him without questions and had let him speak of his problems on his own- onto the face of someone who could destroy five planets.
Vanya.
She's the first that comes to mind, and he stands, pulling back, away, turning so he can pace. Exhaling slowly because he feels like he's going to be sick from the racing of his thoughts.
Vanya had destroyed one. In two timelines, but still one planet. Accidentally. Maybe purposefully the first time around- no one knew. But his tiny, timid sister had brought all the fire and fury of the apocalypse raining on their heads.
She had been pushed into it. Driven to it by powers she didn't understand. That she was scared of. And he hadn't helped. He'd stood there and watched as she was trapped, left her alone and isolated because he was scared of his own abilities, couldn't argue with Luther, was trying to figure out what he needed to do with Ben-
But Hux wasn't Vanya. And from the sound of things, this hadn't been an accident.]
You-
[ His words rise and fall and die in his throat, and he keeps pacing as he tries to get them organized. ]
-- Five? Five planets-?
no subject
[He forced himself to keep looking at Klaus. He was confused about why he felt something twisting at his gut. He had a feeling that he had destroyed something that was good for him but there was no going back. Klaus would have found out eventually and Hux wanted to be the one to tell him.]
I won't-
[He stopped, trying to find the words he wanted to say. Klaus hadn't run out of the room but he might have destroyed things with the one person who made him feel better than anyone else had.
It didn't hurt when others called him a monster, the destroyer of worlds. Here he was compared to Satan, told that he was evil incarnate. But it would be different if it came from Klaus.]
I won't stop you if you want to leave.
[He finally found his voice but his words were quiet as he finally looked away. The ball at the pit of his stomach felt like lead and he was struggling with emotions he didn't know what to do with.]
no subject
He's seen beyond the armor, the little gaps and chinks of whatever person he had been in his homeworld to the human center underneath. And maybe- maybe he thought what he was doing was good. Certainly, the Academy had killed few to save many. It wasn't as if their hands were bloodless.
But five worlds. Five whole planets. The population of the earth, times Five.
He shakes his head. Opens his mouth to say something, closes it, and then immediately crosses to pour himself a drink. He downs it as easily as if it's water, and pours himself another. Pours Hux one, too, because he just...
Shellshocked. That's the expression for how he feels. A similar numbness to when Dave had died without the grief and anger to flood in after. Just the revelation that he needs to sit with, to think over. ]
I... Jesus, Armitage.
[ He sits down next to him again. Far enough away so they aren't touching. Close enough that he can look at him. ]
... Five. Five whole planets. And you- And it wasn't-?
no subject
But his gut was twisted in a way that was entirely new for him. He could only take a small sip of the drink before setting it down on the coffee table. HIs stomach was in a knot that wasn't going anywhere. He didn't feel like himself, he had never been so focused on what someone else thought of him before.
Here he was worried about Klaus's reaction, however. He never thought that he would find himself in a position like this. He had given the order with confidence and had been secure in the decision he had made....at least until now. Now he was sitting here without that confidence and conviction.]
It wasn't-?
no subject
He thought he was a good man. The gentleness he had seen in their private moments, the quiet concern from that night they had shared dreams- and he had known that there was blood on Hux's hands, too. That he had murdered his own father. That the world and the universe that he grew up in meant that leaving wasn't an option.
But he hadn't simply stayed. He'd become the very weapon his father wanted after all.
And Five whole worlds paid the price. ]
It wasn't- There wasn't room for negotiation?
Like, hey, we have this big 'fuck off' weapon and if you attack us we'll use it?
Did you even warn them? Give them time to answer, evacuate-?
[ He's back to pacing, trying to wrap his head around this. Five. Planets.. ]
no subject
[He hadn't made that decision entirely by himself but he had advocated for the weapon to be used. He thought that it was the best way to end a war that could have ripped the galaxy apart again for years.
And he truly believed that now, with the Republic gone and the Resistance all but wiped out, that they could start restoring peace and stability to the galaxy. He watched Klaus, his eyes following him.]
They didn't know we had Starkiller.
no subject
[ He can't help but stare as he slowly sinks into a chair across from Hux. He feels like a nuclear bomb has gone off under his feet. Like the man across from him is a stranger. Shellshocked, he sips an empty glass, shakes his head, and puts it aside.
Slowly, he drags his hands down his face. Stares into a spot in the floor between his feet as he tries to understand just what to say. Just how to react.
Five planets. Destroyed without warning. Without mercy.
If Hux is telling the truth, it could have prevented more war. More deaths on the front lines. And he certainly knew enough of war, had seen enough death to know that what it was like to want to avoid it. But at the same time-
He pictures Vanya. Tiny, timid Vanya. Her eyes glowing white, her suit, her violin like the purest light. Raising each note like a crescendo, until a gunshot had pierced the air and it all went to hell. The moon falling to pieces.
There had been no warning. And they were all to blame.
But it had been- They had a second chance. A way to turn back the clock, thanks to Five. To make sure it didn't happen again. The guilt, the anguish, the anger over it was still something to process. Did Hux have that?
Was Hux sorry for what he'd done? ]
... You didn't even try? To prevent what happened?
[ They had tried. They had failed, miserably. They had let Vanya down. And the world had paid the price. ]
no subject
We were fighting the terrorists every day, I lost many troopers and ships. I-
[He paused for a moment as he turned over the thoughts in his head. Would he make the same decision now, after years here? Anakin had planted seeds of doubt in him, and it had been turning over in his mind since then. Could he have been the one to put a stop to it? Doubtful, Snoke did what he wanted to. Snoke had been the one who had decided to use it a second time when Hux had raised objections.]
I hate that the decision was made, Klaus. I would have preferred not to destroy those planets.
[Which was true. If the New Republic hadn't been such a rot upon the galaxy, the planets would have been spared. Contrary to popular belief, he wasn't the type to go around destroying planets for no reason. He hadn't supported the idea of destroying the system where the Resistance base was. Starkiller was not a weapon to be used constantly.]
I did attempt to stop the weapon being used a second time. The Supreme Leader overrode my objections but the rebels destroyed Starkiller before it fired for a second time.
no subject
Hux... Hux wanted to stop a war before it started. But he'd done so in a way that's horrifying.
Civilians. Whole planets wiped out.
Gone.
He slowly sinks back into the sofa, staring at Hux as if he's looking at a stranger, because he is. He can't fathom this. The man who he'd stolen gentle kisses with, who had made him smile, who had given him space and comfort when he needed to mourn. The man who seemed so... cold, yes, when his armor was on. Perhaps intimidating. But not.
Not wipe out planets with the touch of a button. ]
... Do you regret it? Killing all those people?
no subject
But he was away from the First Order now. Anakin had planted seeds of doubt in his mind where they had taken hold. Did he have to do that? He wouldn't have been able to stop the Supreme Leader, his life would have been forfeit for treasons against Snoke and the First Order, but he had a choice. Maybe he couldn't have stopped it but he wouldn't have been one to give the order.
He nearly reached out for Klaus's hand but he saw the expression on Klaus's face and put his hands in his lap.]
At the time I was optimistic I ended the war. I regretted that the scale of the destruction, the Hosnian planets suffered for the crimes of the Republic. When the Supreme Leader ordered for the weapon to be used again, I tried to refuse. It wasn't something that I wanted to use lightly.
[He took a deep breath as he continued.]
Being here, however- I'm not in the First Order for the first time in my life. I never thought about what I did before I came here but since then I've been wondering if I really ended the war, if it was necessary in order to bring peace to the galaxy. If it was worth the cost. I don't think it was.
[He looked away then, looking out the window for a few moments before gathering his thoughts. He couldn't believe he was going to say this but- he looked back at Klaus when he spoke again.]
I wouldn't do it again, I know that for certain.
[It was the truth. Perhaps the war would have dragged on without using it but he was starting to understand that they paid a high price and not even have ended the war as intended.]
no subject
But how much regret, how much work, how much atonement could one do to make up for thousands, millions, billions of innocent lives- erased from the galaxy?
His hands stay firm. Curled into his knees. And he exhales slowly. ]
... Alright.
[ He stands. Wanting to pace and wanting a smoke and wanting a drink or something stronger to steady the swirling in his head. ]
Alright, thanks for telling me this.
[ He can't look at him. Not now. Not while the question is still on his mind. ]
... I need some time. To process this.
[ Vanya had destroyed the world, and each and every one of the siblings had that blood on their hands. Each and every one of them- except Ben, perhaps- responsible in a way for contributing to her collpase, and the firey apocalypse that had been brought down on their heads.
They hadn't intended for it. It wasn't a press of a button at the behest of someone else's orders. It wasn't an act of war. But it was still blood on their hands.
They had a chance to fix it. But Hux didn't.
Was his regret enough?
Was there any way he could atone for this?
To be the person Klaus had seen in those glimpses, under the armor, away from this nightmare called the First Order? ]
... Just. Give me a few days.
no subject
But he knew it would happen. It would have happened eventually. Maybe this was his punishment- he had found something, someone who made him feel human, who believed the best of him only for it to fall apart because of what he had done in the past.
He nodded, taking a deep breath once more. He wasn't going to fall apart, at least not in front of Klaus.]
Alright.
[While Klaus hadn't called him a monster, Hux had seen the expression in his face and now Klaus was refusing to look at him. He fully expected that this would be the last time that he would see him again. He couldn't ask Klaus to stay so he stayed where he was, with his hands clenched in his lap firmly.]
Take your time.
[His voice was quiet but he looked away again, not wanting to see Klaus's expression as he left.]
no subject
But Five planets. Fifteen billion people.
Did Oppenheimer regret the atomic bomb? Did he regret how many people it killed?
What had he done to try and scrub the blood off his hands?
What had Hux done? ]
... I'll, uh. Give you a call. Soon.
[ He awkwardly clears his throat, and shoves his hands in his pockets. Heading out the door without another word. ]